👋 Good morning! I’m gonna perform a little experiment. Until this past weekend, I had never heard Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” in my entire life. I listened to it once over the weekend but couldn’t really hear it, so I listened to it once again a few days later.

Then, all of a sudden, it was the background song of the top post Instagram suggested to me. I never searched the lyrics, I typed it into Spotify one (1) time, and I didn’t look up any information about Meat Loaf, meatloaf, or anything else song-adjacent. AND YET.

So this is an experiment. If, after reading this, Instagram starts to recommend “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” post tracks to you, well, I think either I have an incredible superpower or we are truly, thoroughly cooked. Email me with any findings! — Bobby Karalla

This morning, Clarence Hill published a story in which Cowboys owner/GM Jerry Jones gave his side of the story in the ongoing Micah Parsons contract saga. I implore you to read it.

“It’s a highly sensitive time when you are guaranteeing someone almost $200 million,” Jones told reporters.

That sentence alone demands some unpacking. For starters, “guaranteeing” in the form of a gerund implies this is something that’s happening or imminently bound to happen. By all accounts, the deal is nowhere close to happening. The real issue, though, is the “almost.” I feel like that word is carrying the weight of the world on its back.

Clarence makes it a point to mention that only six players in the league have at least $200 million in guaranteed salary in their contracts, all of whom are quarterbacks. But “almost” could mean $199 million, $189 million, or $170 million. That’s a pretty big difference, and it’s one we will probably never know, unless of course we do live in the timeline where Parsons eventually agrees to a deal with the Cowboys.

Therein lies the problem with this whole ordeal. Jones publicly gave his side to reporters yesterday, but his entire case is built around what he admits was tantamount to a handshake deal, “an agreement among men,” as Clarence puts it. Nothing was written down, nothing was signed. This was one conversation, one time, five months ago, which happened in private. But to this day, negotiations are completely held up, frozen in time. David Mulugheta’s phone isn’t ringing. Micah Parsons isn’t playing. The Cowboys are Cowboys-ing so very hard.

It’s tough to tell, then, what Jones’s intentions were with this conversation. His answers only create more questions, which come to think of it might actually be the point. But even muddying the water at this point feels ineffective. Parsons has already said he took offense to the pot shots and negative energy the Joneses have thrown his way over the last several months, so any attempt to say “we kinda sorta had a handshake deal” comes across as either hard feelings or pure neglect of the situation at hand. It’s an attempt at misdirection, only everyone can already see the rabbit’s head poking out of the hat.

Parsons is winning the PR battle despite not having spoken publicly in several days. I haven’t seen a single Cowboys fan defending the team. It’s all very bizarre that it’s still carrying on this way, seemingly with no end in sight. We can only hope, though, that someone, somewhere in or around Oxnard, is going to put pen to paper soon.

Will the Mavs, who for the better part of two decades ranked near the very top of the league in 3-point attempts per game, rank dead last this season? And would it even matter if they did? Tim Cato explores those questions and more here.

The Rangers lost a tough one last night, narrowly missing out on a sweep of the Yankees. Two out of three isn’t bad or anything, but games are starting to matter a whole lot. Check out our postgame coverage!

You know the rules around here: If I see Dirk, I share Dirk. Enjoy.

Be sure to subscribe to our shows wherever you listen to your podcasts. Traffic can be the worst, and one of the best ways I get through it is by listening to the audio versions of our DLLS shows. You should, too!

Bobby Karalla
DLLS Sports Head of Content​
[email protected]